Be on the lookout for these 10 characters at your party this evening.
Warning: This list, in its entirety, is not meant to disrespect anyone, in its entirety. Well, you know what I mean.
1. The Guy Who Doesn’t Like Sports
He’s the one swirling a glass of Merlot in the kitchen while spitting gossip with the wives and girlfriends. He’ll likely offer you the dreadful pound greeting in an attempt to ramp up his masculinity. He cannot be trusted.
If he’s exceptionally good-looking and his conversation is directed exclusively at your woman for more than 10 minutes, grab her and get the hell out of there. With you spending 15-plus hours watching sports every weekend, you can’t compete with his combination of good looks and abundant free time.
2. Annoying Prop Bet Guy
A moment after the opening coin toss and someone in the room either lets out moans of jubilation or sighs of disbelief. Meet Annoying Prop Bet Guy, the likely single, talkative, nerdy dude in the oversized jersey who placed 50 different $1 prop bets, ranging from Bill Belichick smiling to Katy Perry cleavaging. I don’t care if it’s the best seat in the room, don’t sit next to this neanderthal.
3. The Inhaler
He’ll speak no more than five words all evening. Every time you look over, he’s got three servings of chips and dip bleeding from his orifice with four wings in one hand and a can of beer in the other. By the end of the night his lap will resemble a movie theater floor after showing Frozen.
4. The Commercial Giggler
“The commercials are the best part!”
Every Super Bowl party features someone repeating the misguided, disrespectful phrase above. It could be a man. It could be a woman. Whoever it is better not be one of your close friends or you need to reevaluate your inner circle.
Bursts of faux laughter after every single, goddamn commercial are a trait, yet this borderline human being already watched all of them on YouTube at work on Friday. And if the letters “L-O-L” burst of this thing’s mouth, you’ve got yourself the dreaded Verbal Texter. Find yourself another party or lock this thing in a closet.
5. The Fraud
Somebody at your party isn’t a huge sports guy but will be absorbing the game’s entirety, which is perfectly fine. What’s not fine, however, is the fake persona he’s carrying out in an unnecessary attempt to fit in. He’ll slip up frequently, saying things like “Why isn’t Aaron Hernandez playing?” or “Remember that time Marshawn Lynch yelled at Erin Andrews?”
6. Captain Hindsight
The following are phrases Captain Hindsight might say:
- It’s 4th and 1 on Seattle’s 25-yard line, and the Patriots boldly go for it and come up short…. “They should’ve kicked the field goal! Take the points!”
- It’s 2nd and short and Russell Wilson fakes the handoff and airs one out deep down the sideline. It’s picked off… “They should’ve run the freakin’ ball there!”
- “Ted, you wouldn’t be feeling hungover right now if you didn’t have those seven Long Island Iced Teas last night!”
- The chips run out… “We should’ve gotten more chips!”
6. The Information Bomb
From telling you Richard Sherman’s wife might go into labor any second to sharing with you the last 20 Super Bowl winners against the spread, he’s the know-it-all of the room. At some point you’ll fantasize about smashing him over the head with a beer bottle. He will not shut up.
7. Bitter [Enter Your Team Here] Fan
If he’s a Dolphins fan, he’ll continue to harp on the fact his smelly team passed on Russell Wilson three times (as if nobody else did).
If he’s a Jets fan, he’ll reason the Patriots wouldn’t be nearly as good the last decade if they didn’t luck into drafting Tom Brady in the sixth round.
If he’s a Browns fan, he’ll be silently chugging beers and tequila shots all game before inevitably passing out with his arms around the toilet.
8. The Distraction
The Distraction can come in the form of a child, a dog, or an attractive female wearing a shirt so tight it was probably meant for a three-year old. Hopefully it’s the latter.
9. The Alpha Male
To a man, the remote control is more than a plastic black shaft with buttons controlling one of God’s greatest gifts to humanity. It’s a part of him, an extension of his existence, no different than an arm, leg, or penis. There’s an urge to hold the remote whenever in the presence of the tube. Some have stronger urges than other and whether it’s in your home or not is irrelevant. He who holds the remote control is the Alpha Male of the party.
10. The Grumpy Geezer
The same dinosaur who calls Russell Wilson a “class act,” scrunches his face upon every mention of that “hot garbage” named Marshawn Lynch, Seattle’s beast of a running back who chooses to screw with the media and grip his man parts on national television.
Marshawn Lynch reminding the world sometimes you just gotta hold your nuts and flex. pic.twitter.com/nk9XMB1Z1Q
— Spreadapedia (@Spreadapedia) December 22, 2014
If a player scores a touchdown and does anything other than politely hand the ball to the referee, he’s labeled a thug by the Grumpy Geezer. Solution? Put him in the most comfortable seat in the room and throw enough scotch on the rocks his way to make him pass out.
This article was originally published on Page Q